Recently, I was talking to a group of leaders about leadership hurt. It is undeniably real but when it occurs, it is also very revealing as to the level of one’s leadership journey and maturity. I hope some of my thoughts on this subject matter will resonate with some of you.

All leaders—regardless of their strength, experience or compassion—eventually experience disappointment. Whether it comes through betrayal, broken trust, harsh criticism, or being overlooked, hurt is an inevitable part of leadership. However, what defines us as leaders is not the pain we endure, but how we respond to it. While acknowledging the wound is necessary, rehearsing it repeatedly can imprison us in bitterness, cloud our judgment, and ultimately diminish our credibility to others.

There is an old proverb that reads, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” Replaying moments of betrayal or injustice might feel like a form of protection or control, but in reality, it chips away at our emotional energy and leadership presence. When we hold on to pain, we can become defensive, overly cautious, or even cynical—traits that undermine our ability to lead with clarity, vision and integrity.

Here are three key reasons why releasing past hurt is essential to becoming a more effective and respected leader:

1.  Emotional Discipline Strengthens Leadership Presence
   A strong leader doesn’t deny their pain, but they learn to master their emotional response. Leaders who can process hurt without allowing it to consume their mindset demonstrate emotional maturity. Dwelling on wrongs, even if justified, can make us reactive and distrustful. Emotional discipline allows us to remain grounded, which in turn reassures our teams that we are capable of leading through challenges, not being led by them.
    
2. Rehearsing the Past Can Distort the Present
   Constantly revisiting old wounds can distort how we interpret current events. For example, a disagreement with a colleague may be perceived as betrayal, simply because it reminds us of a past wound. This mental and emotional lens can breed unnecessary conflict and misjudgment. Letting go of the past helps us lead from the present, seeing people and situations more clearly.
    
3. Forgiveness Fuels Influence, Not Weakness
   Forgiveness in leadership is not about ignoring injustice or enabling bad behavior. It’s about choosing not to be defined by what others have done to us. Leaders who can forgive—not just others, but themselves—model humility and resilience. These are powerful, influential traits that draw people in and create a culture of grace and growth.

In leadership, wounds will come. But the decision to carry those wounds forward—or to heal and lead anew—is ours. Releasing past pain is not a passive act; it’s an intentional choice rooted in strength, not weakness. We become better leaders not by avoiding disappointment, but by choosing not to let it define us.

The most impactful leaders are not those who have never been hurt—but are those who have learned how to transform their pain into wisdom, and their disappointment into deeper purpose. The path to becoming a great leader isn’t paved with perfection, but with courage—the courage to forgive, to grow, and to keep showing up with integrity and purpose. Each time we rise above hurt and lead forward, we model the kind of leadership the world desperately needs: honest, resilient and full of hope.

So, take heart. Your past may have shaped you, but it does not have the power to define you—unless you give it permission. The future is still unwritten, and you hold the pen. Let go of what no longer serves you, and lead on—with open hands, a clear mind, and a bold, unburdened heart. Let go … and lead!